The Sex talk

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  1. #1

    The Sex talk

    I was having this discussion last night with an old friend. We both have kids now his are a little older than mine, but we started talking about what our parents told us about sex vs what we will tell our kids about sex. Parents hold these views for a number of reasons. Some for religious convictions and others for emotional protection for their kids. So tell me your honest views and what you did or would tell your kids.

    I remember my Mom telling me that sex was about love and something that should be saved for marriage. My Dad had similar views, but was a little more realistic about it. Basically, he preferred that I wait until I was older (20's I presume) and in love. Although, he pointed out that he felt like that waiting until marriage was best. I love and respect my parents opinions, but I didn't listen to their opinions on sex all that much. Until I got to my mid 20's then I started to settle down a bit and wanted sex to be more about love.

    Fast forward to today. My wife probably holds views similar to my Dad, but possibly a little closer to my Mom. Looking back at my experiences I'm not sure where I fall yet. This list is still subject to change. I may say have sex only with someone you love, but if I am being honest I think the biggest things for me to emphasize to my kids would be.

    1. Wait till you're out of high school to have sex becuase I don't want someone knocked up and have the harsh realities of raising a kid at a young age. Giving up their dreams and what kind of life they might of had.
    2. Don't **** crazy.
    3. Be smart. Don't put your self in bad situations. Don't be a fool wrap your tool.
    4. Don't cheat.
    5. Limit emotional stress. Make sure that you're both in it for the same things. If it's for love make sure your love is returned. If it's for fun make sure they are in it for fun.

    Opinions? Comments?

  2. #2
    my parents didn't say anything to me....
    as a christian now......i will explain to my sons why they should wait until marriage.....

  3. #3
    I never had a talk with my parents, but your list is pretty spot on with my beliefs and is what I will discuss with my son. 1 and 3 kind of go hand and hand, and is the most important part. 2 is lesson that seems to have to be learned the hard way for most guys. Every older generation tells the younger to never **** crazy and the younger generation does it anyways. All we are left with is an "I told you so".
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  4. #4
    SpankyNek's Avatar
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    Would you have the same list for your daughter?

  5. #5
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    Well no matter when you tell them to wait until they are going to do it on their on time. Maybe they wait maybe they don't. Encourage them to make it special, about love, respect their partner, remind them no means no and there are no circumstances that change this.
    Talk condoms, safety, remind them that you will be OK if you find out they did not wait as long as they are safe... this encourages safety, while many think it encourages sex this is not true. Every young man and woman are different in their timing.

    Remind them sex is not a trophy and sex partners are not either. Tell them about raising babies, remind them of the things in life that change..
    Provide them with helpful resources for questions to be answered besides yourself, because no matter how close we are to our kids there will always be some thing they are embarrassed to talk to us about.

    Talk to them about reproduction, the cycle of it, how it effects women and to never rely on a girl to take birth control, use a condom at all times. Tell your girls never to rely on boys to be honest about sex partners and demand condoms even if she is on the pill.

    Make sure the timing of the conversation is right and try not to pressure them for answers about what they know. Talk, I promise they listen more than you think.
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  6. #6
    Originally Posted by SpankyNek View Post
    Would you have the same list for your daughter?
    Yes, I was thinking about both my son and daughter when I made this list. I want to protect my daughter, but I will not tell my son one thing and my daughter another.

  7. #7
    Coach's Avatar
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    The Sex talk

    #2 will only leave boys being gay. All women are at least half crazy.
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  8. #8
    Originally Posted by 87sooner View Post
    my parents didn't say anything to me....
    as a christian now......i will explain to my sons why they should wait until marriage.....
    Perfectly valid. I considered this, but knowing myself and my experiences I want to be sure they understand where I am coming from. My parents are both Christians although there views were a little different on the subject.

  9. #9
    Originally Posted by drspencer View Post
    Perfectly valid. I considered this, but knowing myself and my experiences I want to be sure they understand where I am coming from. My parents are both Christians although there views were a little different on the subject.
    you didn't go into detail about what your parents told you....
    but if they are christian.....and they ONY told you that sex was about love and should be saved for marriage....they didn't go far enuf.....they should have given you solid biblical reasons why you should wait.....as well as common sense real world scare tactics

  10. #10
    Aurora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 87sooner View Post
    you didn't go into detail about what your parents told you....
    but if they are christian.....and they ONY told you that sex was about love and should be saved for marriage....they didn't go far enuf.....they should have given you solid biblical reasons why you should wait.....as well as common sense real world scare tactics
    great googly moogly

  11. #11
    Originally Posted by 87sooner View Post
    you didn't go into detail about what your parents told you....
    but if they are christian.....and they ONY told you that sex was about love and should be saved for marriage....they didn't go far enuf.....they should have given you solid biblical reasons why you should wait.....as well as common sense real world scare tactics
    They did all this. I was just trying to be succinct in my OP. I didn't want a bunch of TL/DR posts.

  12. #12
    Originally Posted by Aurora View Post
    Well no matter when you tell them to wait until they are going to do it on their on time. Maybe they wait maybe they don't. Encourage them to make it special, about love, respect their partner, remind them no means no and there are no circumstances that change this.
    Talk condoms, safety, remind them that you will be OK if you find out they did not wait as long as they are safe... this encourages safety, while many think it encourages sex this is not true. Every young man and woman are different in their timing.

    Remind them sex is not a trophy and sex partners are not either. Tell them about raising babies, remind them of the things in life that change..
    Provide them with helpful resources for questions to be answered besides yourself, because no matter how close we are to our kids there will always be some thing they are embarrassed to talk to us about.

    Talk to them about reproduction, the cycle of it, how it effects women and to never rely on a girl to take birth control, use a condom at all times. Tell your girls never to rely on boys to be honest about sex partners and demand condoms even if she is on the pill.

    Make sure the timing of the conversation is right and try not to pressure them for answers about what they know. Talk, I promise they listen more than you think.
    Good points. I would emphasize the special part of it for sure.
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  13. #13
    Originally Posted by drspencer View Post
    Good points. I would emphasize the special part of it for sure.
    there's really nothing special about having sex with someone you don't marry or never see again..

  14. #14
    Originally Posted by 87sooner View Post
    there's really nothing special about having sex with someone you don't marry or never see again..
    Then you're not doing it right
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  15. #15
    McRib's Avatar
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    The Sex talk

    What I told my niece:
    1) Sex is wonderful & precious. Its worth waiting for, and the longer you wait, the more special it will be. Be careful with it.
    2) Boys don’t have to be that into you to want to have sex with you. Beware.
    3) Know who you are & what you want - you’ll lessen your mistakes. Be strong.
    4) Protection isn’t just a birth control issue, it’s a health care issue. Be prepared.
    5) Girls can like sex, too. You don’t have to settle for or be pushed into something you don’t want. Be honest.
    6) Love can make sex better. Or not. But sex does not equal love. Don’t be fooled.
    7) Each relationship is beautiful in it’s own way. Be appreciative.
    8) I wish this wasn’t true, but at some point, your heart will be broken. And you’ll survive it. Don’t be jaded.
    9) Be cautious with your body AND with your heart.
    10) People will leave your life. When they decide to go, let them. You don’t want someone in your life who doesn’t want to be there. Be yourself, and let them be, too.
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  16. #16
    Always pull out.
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  17. #17
    SpankyNek's Avatar
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    Boys only really want one thing.

    Only you can prevent forest fires.
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  18. #18
    Originally Posted by 87sooner View Post
    there's really nothing special about having sex with someone you don't marry or never see again..
    I can agree with the never see again piece. I only did that once and it was a very strange concept for me to grasp afterward. As far as someone you didn't marry. If I'm being honest with myself that would be wrong. There were special and meaningful experiences that I had before getting married. Now, they were with women that I was in love with at the time, but I did not end up marring them.

  19. #19
    Originally Posted by McRib View Post
    What I told my niece:
    1) Sex is wonderful & precious. Its worth waiting for, and the longer you wait, the more special it will be. Be careful with it.
    2) Boys don’t have to be that into you to want to have sex with you. Beware.
    3) Know who you are & what you want - you’ll lessen your mistakes. Be strong.
    4) Protection isn’t just a birth control issue, it’s a health care issue. Be prepared.
    5) Girls can like sex, too. You don’t have to settle for or be pushed into something you don’t want. Be honest.
    6) Love can make sex better. Or not. But sex does not equal love. Don’t be fooled.
    7) Each relationship is beautiful in it’s own way. Be appreciative.
    8) I wish this wasn’t true, but at some point, your heart will be broken. And you’ll survive it. Don’t be jaded.
    9) Be cautious with your body AND with your heart.
    10) People will leave your life. When they decide to go, let them. You don’t want someone in your life who doesn’t want to be there. Be yourself, and let them be, too.
    Female perspectives are very interesting. Things are so different for a male in regards to emotions, self worth, and attachments.
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  20. #20
    define love...its an ambiguous term now and any boy will say they love a girl or whatever scenario it may be just to get into someones pants...my parents said wait til marriage and my wife and i did and we're glad we did but we understand we're in the vast minority at this point...

  21. #21
    AcousticSoup's Avatar
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    The Sex talk

    I'm being flat out honest and realistic with my boys. No need to hide anything. If he has a question he can ask and he shouldn't be afraid. When he gets old enough to care about stuff like that, life is confusing enough. He shouldn't be afraid to ask a question because he knows he won't get an answer. Confusion is resolved by information and experience. But direction is needed as well to steer them in the right path.

    That's why I'm a daddy.
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  22. #22
    #1 Give them the biological lesson
    #2 if they are going to do it use protection but you need to be prepared for the consequences
    #3 Share beer

  23. #23
    Tug Medick's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by McRib View Post
    What I told my niece:
    1) Sex is wonderful & precious. Its worth waiting for, and the longer you wait, the more special it will be. Be careful with it.
    2) Boys don’t have to be that into you to want to have sex with you. Beware.
    3) Know who you are & what you want - you’ll lessen your mistakes. Be strong.
    4) Protection isn’t just a birth control issue, it’s a health care issue. Be prepared.
    5) Girls can like sex, too. You don’t have to settle for or be pushed into something you don’t want. Be honest.
    6) Love can make sex better. Or not. But sex does not equal love. Don’t be fooled.
    7) Each relationship is beautiful in it’s own way. Be appreciative.
    8) I wish this wasn’t true, but at some point, your heart will be broken. And you’ll survive it. Don’t be jaded.
    9) Be cautious with your body AND with your heart.
    10) People will leave your life. When they decide to go, let them. You don’t want someone in your life who doesn’t want to be there. Be yourself, and let them be, too.
    This scenario doesnt ring true. I've seen several aunt & nieces ****os and it never goes down like this.
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  24. #24
    I think I'll just demonstrate for him on his mom.

  25. #25

    Re: The Sex talk

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  26. #26
    Originally Posted by McRib View Post
    What I told my niece:
    1) Sex is wonderful & precious. Its worth waiting for, and the longer you wait, the more special it will be. Be careful with it.
    2) Boys don’t have to be that into you to want to have sex with you. Beware.
    3) Know who you are & what you want - you’ll lessen your mistakes. Be strong.
    4) Protection isn’t just a birth control issue, it’s a health care issue. Be prepared.
    5) Girls can like sex, too. You don’t have to settle for or be pushed into something you don’t want. Be honest.
    6) Love can make sex better. Or not. But sex does not equal love. Don’t be fooled.
    7) Each relationship is beautiful in it’s own way. Be appreciative.
    8) I wish this wasn’t true, but at some point, your heart will be broken. And you’ll survive it. Don’t be jaded.
    9) Be cautious with your body AND with your heart.
    10) People will leave your life. When they decide to go, let them. You don’t want someone in your life who doesn’t want to be there. Be yourself, and let them be, too.
    Holy shit. Is she 33?
    No young person can make sense of this, though I think it's sound advice.
    Raising children isn't something that can be done "right." Only to the best of your ability, because the child is autonomous whether we like it or not as parents.

    I think there is a lot of good advice here. But I think the most important thing that's missing is to tell your kids that you love them no matter what they choose to do.
    Sometimes that won't prevent bad decisions either, but I think that it helps empower them in situations where they may feel pressured - even if pressured by their own desires. Knowing that they will not be disowned by their parents for a major mistake can provide them with strength that can't come from anywhere else. This is an idealistic point of view, I realize. You have to have a pretty damned good relationship with your children to begin with.

  27. #27
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    The Sex talk

    Originally Posted by HorpelKrufkin View Post
    Holy shit. Is she 33?
    No young person can make sense of this, though I think it's sound advice.
    Raising children isn't something that can be done "right." Only to the best of your ability, because the child is autonomous whether we like it or not as parents.

    I think there is a lot of good advice here. But I think the most important thing that's missing is to tell your kids that you love them no matter what they choose to do.
    Sometimes that won't prevent bad decisions either, but I think that it helps empower them in situations where they may feel pressured - even if pressured by their own desires. Knowing that they will not be disowned by their parents for a major mistake can provide them with strength that can't come from anywhere else. This is an idealistic point of view, I realize. You have to have a pretty damned good relationship with your children to begin with.
    Uh, you realize I didn't just jot it down on a post it & wish her luck, right? This is the gist of about a 2 hour conversation. I work with teenagers for a living. She got it.

  28. #28
    Originally Posted by McRib View Post
    Uh, you realize I didn't just jot it down on a post it & wish her luck, right? This is the gist of about a 2 hour conversation. I work with teenagers for a living. She got it.
    I get it. And you're right. You said that's what you did. Hopefully it helps. I meant no offense.
    I was going off the original theme for the OP. It just seemed like a lot.
    Like I said, there is no perfect discussion. I'm sure you're very good at what you do.
    How old is she? Just curious.

  29. #29
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    Originally Posted by HorpelKrufkin View Post
    I get it. And you're right. You said that's what you did. Hopefully it helps. I meant no offense.
    I was going off the original theme for the OP. It just seemed like a lot.
    Like I said, there is no perfect discussion. I'm sure you're very good at what you do.
    How old is she? Just curious.
    And does she post here? Just curious.

  30. #30
    McRib's Avatar
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    The Sex talk

    Originally Posted by HorpelKrufkin View Post
    I get it. And you're right. You said that's what you did. Hopefully it helps. I meant no offense.
    I was going off the original theme for the OP. It just seemed like a lot.
    Like I said, there is no perfect discussion. I'm sure you're very good at what you do.
    How old is she? Just curious.
    She's 17 & we had this particular conversation when she turned 16. Although it was initiated by me, a good deal of the content was driven by her questions (one friend was being treated for an STD at the time), so it was a lot, but it was a good conversation and not our first (or last) on the issue. Just the big one.

    In my opinion, when having challenging conversations with youth, the first thing you have to do is be on their level - whatever that may be - and respect their opinions and experiences thus far. Being a young adult now is far different than it was when I was younger, and kids have much more to deal with. I would never discount any of her life scenes just because she's a teen.

  31. #31
    Originally Posted by McRib View Post
    She's 17 & we had this particular conversation when she turned 16. Although it was initiated by me, a good deal of the content was driven by her questions (one friend was being treated for an STD at the time), so it was a lot, but it was a good conversation and not our first (or last) on the issue. Just the big one.

    In my opinion, when having challenging conversations with youth, the first thing you have to do is be on their level - whatever that may be - and respect their opinions and experiences thus far. Being a young adult now is far different than it was when I was younger, and kids have much more to deal with. I would never discount any of her life scenes just because she's a teen.
    You're damned right about that. Social media is very difficult to deal with now regarding teenagers.
    Kudos to you. I hope it goes well for her.
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  32. #32
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    The Sex talk

    Originally Posted by HorpelKrufkin View Post
    You're damned right about that. Social media is very difficult to deal with now regarding teenagers.
    Kudos to you. I hope it goes well for her.
    So far so good. She's a great kid

  33. #33
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    When that time comes, I plan on having the sex talk with every boy that comes around for my daughters...as I polish my Benelli.
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  34. #34
    Originally Posted by Jason View Post
    When that time comes, I plan on having the sex talk with every boy that comes around for my daughters...as I polish my Benelli.
    I'm anti-gun. I had no angle. Except to be cold. Didn't work too well. Boys are dangerous. I wasn't one of them. But they are. Perrruhd.

  35. #35
    Jason's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HorpelKrufkin View Post
    I'm anti-gun. I had no angle. Except to be cold. Didn't work too well. Boys are dangerous. I wasn't one of them. But they are. Perrruhd.
    One simple question is all it takes: "Are you prepared to go to jail for my daughter? Because I am."
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  36. #36

    The Sex talk

    Just show them pictures of the OU twirler. They'll know what to do.


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